I Have Decided

Psalm 18:19

He brought me out into a spacious place;

He rescued me because he delighted in me.

Have you ever come to a place in your life where you know you have completed a full circle?  It’s kind of like déjà-vu, only the circumstances might be slightly different, or the people and places may not be exactly the same.  That’s where I find myself now.  Almost 40 years old, I am facing some of the same things I know presented themselves when I was 25.  Except I didn’t learn anything the first time around.  I read back through my journals from that time, and I am just so annoyed.  I had no clue. 

Because I truly had no clue, I embarked at age 26 on a decade-long trek into the wilderness.  I didn’t just casually walk into the darkest night of my soul.  I sprinted into it.  I’ve been in it most of my first-born child’s entire life.  That’ll make your parenting feel awesome.  Wrestling with God for 10 years = wrestling with everyone and everything else in my life for 10 years, too. 

You’d think I would be exhausted.  And I am.  I am exhausted.

I hated the choices I had made, and I hated all that was bubbling to the surface in me, and I hated the situation in which I found myself.  Enter shame.  After a series of difficult and tragic circumstances (which I will share at a later time), I became an emotional wreck.

It was all foreign and scary and frankly, it ultimately really made me mad.  I was a Christian.  I had been saved and baptized at the age of 8.  Wasn’t all of this supposed to go better for me?  I cried out to God.  No answer. Enter fear.  As you can imagine, my marriage was falling apart at the seams because I was falling apart.  Enter anxiety.  Enter distress.  I was still crying out to God.  Silence.  Enter anger.

I began to listen to the world around me.  Its “wisdom” became my guide.  I began to question my entire belief system.  All I had ever known up to that point in my life seemed like one big joke. 

God probably didn’t care for me as much as my Sunday School teachers and pastors told me He did.  Furthermore, was He even there?  Is God even real?  All the God and Jesus stuff seems a little fairytale-ish, now, doesn’t it?  Just a nice-sounding allegory?  

Nothing about God made any sense to me whatsoever.  I stopped crying out.  I started lashing out.  I was seriously ticked off.  And before I even knew what all had transpired, my heart was incredibly hard and shut down. 

I was miserable.  I lost my laughter.  I lost joy.  I became panicky and needy beyond imagination.  I tried so hard to be a wonderful wife and an amazing mom, a good sister/daughter/friend, but it felt impossible.  I just clamped down and completely lost center.  I was functioning on the outside – moving, talking, working, even smiling and appearing “happy”, etc…But I was completely paralyzed on the inside.  Numb.  

I distinctly remember a conversation I had during this time with my mom and sister on a girls’ weekend we had together.  We were at dinner, and I asked them if they had ever questioned their faith.  I remember my sister saying, “At some point you have to decide, right?  I mean, what do you have to lose if you believe?”  And I remember my sick mind thinking, Everything.  I feel like I am losing everything right now.  And I was.  But certainly not because I was believing.  I didn't believe anything.

Continue the shame, fear, anxiety, distress, and anger, just masked.  I developed a serious fear of flying in a plane.  I would cry and shake and I couldn’t stop it.  I used to love to fly.  Continue the fighting, the crying, all the crazy.  My mind was really a runaway train, and it was headed for a total and complete wreck.  I simply resisted living.

I know.  I needed serious help.

Now you might want to ask, “So how in the world did you get out of all of that?” 

The answer is:  I didn’t. 

To my utter amazement, He did it.  All glory and praise to my Lord, Jesus Christ, He is the one who saved me.  Again.  I was so incredibly lost.  I was helpless.  Exhausted.  Lifeless.  I have no idea why, but

He brought me out into a spacious place;

He rescued me because he delighted in me.

As I continue this blog, I will share snapshots of hope God gave me along the way.  I will share with you the poor decisions I made and the circumstances that led to my wilderness experience.  I will share things that I wrote as I was coming out of the fog. I will share things God has graciously and lovingly taught me.  I will share with you how God is mercifully making All Things New.   

But for today, I just want you to know a few things of which I am now confident:

God is real, He is good, and He is love.

How do I know?  I know because he has allowed this prodigal to wander and squander and ask every question and doubt and fall into trap after trap after trap.  And He has still gently and silently pursued me.  Who does that???  I mean, really?  Who in his right mind just keeps coming after someone who is running as hard as she can in the other direction? 

The answer to that question is found in Luke 15:1-7.

“Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, ‘This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.’

Then Jesus told them this parable: ‘Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.”  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.’”

As my sister so rightly said at dinner that night when I was deeply questioning my faith…I had to decide.  Would I follow the world, or would I choose to follow Jesus?  Can’t do both. 

As I used to sing in Sunday School…

I have decided to follow Jesus.

No turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me.

No turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow.

No turning back.

No turning back.

Remember how I resisted living?  The title of this blog site comes from the definition I found online when I looked up the meaning of surrender…To cease resisting.  My prayer is that my fellow resisters out there might find comfort and solace in my own journey toward surrender…To know that you certainly aren’t alone (I am the craziest there ever has been!)…And to share my every day, imperfect fight for my faith.